Mom guilt is a real thing. Before becoming a mom, I heard the term ‘mom guilt’ thrown around here and there and didn’t think a thing of it because it didn’t affect me directly. For the past five years, however, I’ve become quite familiar with the emotion. It sneaks up on me when I least expect it. When I’m driving to meet some girls for dinner instead of staying home to put my boys to bed. When I’m washing dishes rather than playing Legos in the floor. When I can’t give them both attention at the exact same moment and one of them walks away with hurt feelings. When I occasionally want some time by myself.
I know that full-time working moms experience significant mom guilt. I know this because I worked full-time out of the home until my oldest was three and a half. After picking him up from daycare, rushing home, cooking dinner, bathing him, and putting him to bed, I would sit down at night and lament all the moments I had missed from his day.
I thought the mom guilt would subside once I started working part-time out of the home and part-time from home, but it has not. I wake up really early in the morning to work and sometimes my early birds get up before I can finish whatever I’m working on. If I have to turn on a show just so I can finish up something, I feel terribly guilty. I really just want to sit on the couch and snuggle.
Sometimes I just can’t get all of my work completed amidst the chaos at home, so I leave the boys with my husband or my mom to go and work at a coffee shop. I feel guilty if I stay a little longer than I thought I would. I feel stressed a lot of the time because the next thing is always due, in regard to work. I never quite feel caught up. I feel guilty when I snap at the boys because of my own stress level and nothing they’ve done.
I often feel guilty when I have to give my toddler a lot of physical attention and my five-year old doesn’t get as much as I know he wants. It would be helpful to be an octopus sometimes.
I’m currently coming down with a significant case of mom guilt because my mother, my five-year old, and I are flying out this Sunday to visit my sister, brother-in-law, and niece in DC for four days. I am so sad about leaving my two-year old. He’s my little buddy, and I feel like he won’t understand where we are.
We made the same trip last year, and everything was completely fine. I remember feeling this same way then, and everything worked out, but still…
With my oldest child being five and my niece being eight, we have a number of ‘big kid’ activities planned. With airport shenanigans, Metro rides, long walks, a late night at a Major League ballgame, etc., we decided to let our toddler stay home with Daddy and my mother-in-law. He will be more than okay, but I still just feel so sad and guilty about leaving him.
I’m excited on one level because my older child deserves some one-on-one attention for a little while. He’s so good about allowing me to give most of my energy to the toddler, but I can tell he would love it if I could give him more individual attention. I also very rarely get to see my sister and her family. She and I are extraordinarily close, so I am excited about spending time with her.
These are the things I need to focus on, but it’s still hard thinking about leaving my littlest boy and his sweet face.
I never knew how much I could love something until I had my two boys. Having children makes every single thing in life more fulfilling and more memorable. But it also makes the challenging moments more intense. I wish I could tell all moms not to feel guilty, but that’s impossible. It’s part of who we are, part of what we do.
Next year my little one will be three, and he’ll be joining us on our annual summer trip to DC. This situation in particular may not happen again, but I know other things will bring about feelings of mom guilt. So instead of letting it get me down, I will try to embrace it and realize that to experience the highs of parenting, there will also be feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
Motherhood is so complicated. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Mom guilt is a jerk. I feel it a lot these days when I have to travel for work. I’m definitely working at being more present when I’m home with Lucas, but there are moments where I have to get some work done or the house HAS to be cleaned. And dinner. Well, I can only make so many frozen pizzas in a week. Hang in there….and enjoy your trip!
Thanks! It’s always nice to commiserate with other moms. There just aren’t enough arms or hours in the day. Sigh…
Most of the time, I think that Mom guilt comes from comparing ourselves to others – what we perceive that everyone else is doing and we’re not able to do. Sometimes though, it can be good and make you realize what’s important to you. I had a lot of guilt over a job I was working that was a huge time suck – and the guilt made me realize it wasn’t worth it.
Good point about realizing what’s worth the time away from the kiddos and what is not. The mom guilt phenomenon has definitely helped me with that. When I was working full-time outside of the home, I would always compare myself to moms who were able to see their little ones more than I. Working from home has helped some with that.
I struggled with mom guilt for years…even when I stayed at home! Don’t let it get the best of you. You are a fabulous mom and your kids will not remember the few trips without them. 🙂 For the first time in my life, I rarely get the mom guilt anymore (and that’s with a full-time job, a teenager, preteen, and baby)! When you see your kids actually living out the things you taught them all those years, the mom guilt starts to disappear (it will never go away but it at least lessens)! You realize that you can be a great mom regardless of your circumstances. It just takes time. 🙂 love you suzy!!
Awww…thank you, Jenn! This is such great advice. We can only do so much on a daily basis, and it’s great to hear that other moms feel the same It’s also helpful to know that as our kids get older, the mom guilt subsides slightly. You have amazing kids, so I am definitely listening to you! Hugs. 🙂
We don’t have children, but I have girlfriends who do and talk about this all the time. I totally empathize.
I’m not sure if the mom guilt ever goes away. I deal with it every single day. I want the best life for my kids and sometimes I am not sure I am giving them that.
I know mom guilt all too well. Personally, I feel like if we did not have mom guilt, we wouldn’t be great moms. Yes, it would help if we were octopusses and there were more hours in the day but since that can’t happen, we should just make each moment count and remember we did our best each day.
Very true! The guilt does make me put work and house chores aside in order to hang out with my boys. We do need to remember that we can only do our best each day.
I am not a mom but am a caregiver for an ill family member, and the guilt is definitely hard to deal with. You always feel like you aren’t giving any role it’s proper attention as you try your best to divide your time between personal and professional demands. It always helps sharing that with others because so many of us can relate to how it feels.
I completely agree! As with anything, I feel so much better when I talk to others who are experiencing the same thing. Good luck in your situation as well.
I AM home with my kids and I have mom guilt. I end up doing something with one child and feel like I’m neglecting the other – or something like that. It sucks to feel like that.
So I guess it doesn’t matter what type of situation a mom is in, the guilt can still set in. But ultimately, I think it makes us betters moms all around. We wouldn’t feel guilty if we didn’t love those kiddos so much.
I have mom guilt about having a second kid. Am I too busy? Would I be able to divide my attention?
I work from home and i still have guilt that is do not spend enough time with my kids,or am i giving them the right food when i am really busy.I think we all go through it but as long as our kiddies are well fed,loved and are happy what else is there.
I totally understand! My daughter is getting ready to go on a trip with her grandmother and my son is staying home with me because he is too young to go to the beach with only one adult!
I always try to spend as much time as possible with my son! This is an interesting read and I thank you for sharing your story!
Oh mom guilt. It’s so real!
I’ve been home with the little one since he’s been born. I put a career on hold to do it and never regretted it for one second. Hubby’s been telling me for a year now that it’s time to go back to work. He’s tired of paying all of the bills (Which I get), but I’ve already got mommy guilt just thinking about going back to work. It’s been so nice being around for every event/every little thing.
I’ve been working dually hard on writing and my blog to see if I could make a go of it, and continue to stay home, but you know that’s slow going, and hubby’s patience is growing thinner by the day. Like you, I will learn to accept what I cannot change and embrace those moments that are perfect. 🙂
Mom guilt is the worst! Know that you can only do what you can, and that is good enough!
Mom guilt is the worst! I try to tell myself that I’m doing my best and my family is happy and healthy but it sure does sneak up on you!
Mom guilt is totally a real thing. I feel mom guilt the most when I am doing something for myself and am away from my children. But I realize at the same time that the little bit of time away helps me to appreciate my time with them. It also helps to re-energize me!
Trying to spend as much time with your children can be very difficult. I really think the mom guilt comes more from society. But we have to be able to take care of our family, bills, live and be happy. Appreciating the time spent helps me a lot.
I completely get the mom guilt. I experience it everyday when I have to head out to work. 🙁
I pretty much had to work and was away from my kids a lot. This provided lots of guilt issues. I know certain things like work and chores take our attention, but you must always go for the times you spend with them. Afterall, YOU will always be the “ONE” in their lives.
I am reading this feeling tons of guilt. I am currently feeling sick, need to complete an online class, finish up some blog posts and I have to keep running to the bathroom. The boys need me to “help” them with things and my husband is wondering why I am not. GUILTY!!!!! GUILT!!! UGH!!!!
Not sure about mom guilt but I have dad guilt daily and feel bad that I leave my wife for at least 10 hours a day while I am at work to deal with the house, kids and dogs.
I feel that when I have to say no to my kids sometimes. I know I am doing the right thing though
Even though I stay home, I still suffer from mom guilt sometimes. Some days I don’t feel well and refuse to give in to their wants of going to the park or having friends over. Then after saying no, I feel so guilty. Mom guilt sucks!
As one guilt ridden mother to another, I completely know where you are coming from. We sometimes left the toddler stay with my parents while we take the older kids to do older kids things but it doesn’t stop the guilt trip from leaving her behind. I try to rationalize that the older kids need attention too it only bandaids the feelings for a moment. 🙂 it’s just a mommy thing I guess.
I know it’s easy for me to say because I’m not a mom but you should let the mom guilt go. Your kids sound like they are very much loved, taken care of, and healthy. Therefore, there’s nothing for you to feel guilty about.
I’ve had my share of mom guilt. Your kiddos look happy and cared for. You should feel happy and PROUD!
I don’t think you should feel guilty. I think you should feed very honored that you have the ability to work, honored that you have family willing to be with your chilren while you work. What you are doing is helping your family, so don’t feel guilty. Be proud of your work, be proud of having a happy and healthy family!
I have a horrible time with mom guilt!! They longest I have been away from my son was our 4 day honeymoon in NYC, while I was busy I was fine but the minute things calmed down the guilt was insane. We talked to him every night, he was with my parents and he was fine! I hadn’t left him for more than 24 hours before so it was difficult but we both had fun! I still have problems with mommy guilt when I leave him with my mom a little longer after work to run an errand or run to the gym but like my husband says I need at least SOME time to myself!
I was JUST talking about this with my husband! I have mom guilt everyday…just reassures me that I’m a GOOD mom
Oh the dreaded mom guilt. It’s not my friend by I try to keep it at bay. Kind of hard to do but I know I’m doing my best.
Mom guilt is so real and I can say it doesn’t get any easier. It may go away for a while but I have 6 kids and can’t say I always feel it in some way or another.
I am not a mom yet, but it is interesting to read your perspective on mom guilt. I have a lot of mommy friends and they say they can relate to your words!
I’m not sure mom guilt is all that bad of a thing, even though it makes us feel bad. I kinda think it keeps us in balance.
Yes! Most days I am drowning in Mom guilt. No one makes me feel this way. It’s just me being way to hard on myself. I so relate to this post.
I nodded my head in agreement with this entire post. The guilt is so real!
My kids are 16 and 19 and I still suffer from mom guilt. I don’t think it ever goes away.
Motherhood is sooooo complicated. You are right. I’ve been at home for four year, but as soon as I take a trip I feel guilty for not being here with the kids. They sleep in my bed for Pete’s sake. I should get a days or two to myself without feeling guilty.
My son is grown and I still feel that Mom guilt from time to time and beat myself up for things I wish had been different. I think that guilt is just part of being a parent. We want our kids to have a perfect life and that isn’t possible. All we can do is love them and do our best.
I am so guilty of mom guilt! It never seems to get easier.
Oh yea that is tough, especially with a two year old. That is a tough age to leave but I hope you enjoy yourself!
Mom guilt stinks! I think you are all going to have such a wonderful time. Cherish the moments alone with your oldest.Hopefully you can do something similar with the youngest when he’s older.